Beyond Clever Cruelty: How to Lead with Light in Dark Times
The world feels heavy with negativity right now. We see it in headlines, feel it in tense conversations, and witness it in the way basic human kindness sometimes seems like an afterthought. Cruelty has woven itself into the background of our daily lives—so much so that we often don’t even notice it.
But here’s the thing: We don’t have to accept this as normal.
Sometimes, change starts in unexpected places. For me, it began with an ordinary evening, watching a favorite show with my husband early in our marriage. We had laughed at it for years, but one night, something shifted. The jokes didn’t feel funny anymore. Instead, they felt sharp, mean, and unnecessary. Throwing around derogatory stereotypes, name calling and belittling characters of various religions, gender, heritage or ability. I started realizing just how often we excuse cruelty as “just humor” or “just how things are.”
Pema Chödrön teaches that nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know. And maybe, in this moment of collective struggle, what we need to learn is hiding in plain sight—in our humor, in our words, in the small ways we either build each other up or tear each other down.
The Subtle Ways Harm Spreads
Our culture often rewards the sharp edge of intelligence over the quiet power of connection. We trade knowing glances, perfect our sarcastic timing, and wear cynicism like armor. We roll our eyes in solidarity with the “smart” people in the room. We use our wit to get laughs, even when it comes at someone else’s expense.
I’ve done it too. I’ve said the quick remark that made people laugh but left someone feeling small. I’ve leaned into sarcasm as a way to shield myself from discomfort. And what I see now is that these little moments add up. They ripple outward, reinforcing the very patterns of harm we say we want to change.
For many years, I had this quote from the Upanishads on my bathroom mirror:
“Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny.”
These words strike me differently than they did twenty years ago. They feel even more weighty. Even more important. Even more necessary.
What goes into our brains, will come out—in the form our speech, actions, habits. Even what we ingest as entertainment.
What Happens When We Choose Differently?
What if we stopped treating clever words as a shield? What if we challenged ourselves to find humor that connects rather than divides? What if we became aware of the culture we’re creating in our conversations, workplaces, and communities?
This shift isn’t about being overly careful or humorless. It’s about being intentional. It’s about noticing when our words build bridges and when they create distance. It’s about choosing to lead in a way that centers kindness without sacrificing honesty.
You Are a Leader
You don’t need a title to lead. Leadership isn’t about a job description—it’s about how you show up. If you’re committed to something bigger than yourself, if you’re working toward positive change, you’re leading. Even if you don’t see yourself that way. Even if you feel like you don’t hold any power.
The choices you make—how you engage, how you speak, how you listen—shape the spaces you’re in. The world isn’t changed just by people in positions of authority. It’s changed by those who choose to be intentional, to lead with integrity, to create environments where others feel seen and valued.
Balancing the Call Out with a Call In
We’ve seen so much calling-out over the past decade that we’re starting to become numb to it or worse, starting to give more of our attention/more clicks/more readership/more energy to the sarcastic, cruel and urgent and less attention/fewer clicks/less readership/less energy to the thoughtful, kind and expansive.
It’s easy to point out what’s wrong, and there’s real value in holding people accountable. But calling things out isn’t enough. If we stop there, we risk creating more division.
A call-in, on the other hand, invites people into change. It acknowledges that we all have blind spots and room to grow. It recognizes that transformation happens when people feel seen, not shamed.
If we want to move forward, we need both—truth and invitation, accountability and compassion.
Speaking Truth Without Normalizing Cruelty
"Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself." — Desiderius Erasmus
There’s a difference between speaking necessary truths and being cruel in the name of honesty. Truth should illuminate, not humiliate. It should challenge power, not diminish the powerless.
Naming injustice, calling attention to harm—these things matter. But how we do it matters, too. Are we speaking up to make things better, or just to feel superior? Are our words creating space for healing, or just adding to the noise?
Truth can be sharp, but it doesn’t have to cut people down. We get to choose whether our voices add to the fractures or help mend them.
A Call to Consciousness
The world won’t become kinder unless we decide to make it so. And that decision starts in the smallest moments—opting out of a show that thrives on cruelty, resisting the urge to gossip, choosing to be thoughtful even when it would be easier not to.
This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being aware. Every moment gives us a choice: to contribute to the problem or to help create something better.
So let’s choose well. Let’s lead in a way that lifts rather than wounds. Let’s be the ones who shift the culture, one conversation at a time.
Need clear examples of how to call others in and drop the cruel language? Check out this resource: Words as Doorways: Inviting Growth Through Leadership Language.
